Whose the favourite

Yet another question being posted by my morning djs as I drive to work switching between stations to catch news and views instead of the music ( I honestly prefer my playlist instead of the ones on the air, but let's not go there at this point):
Did your parents have favourites between their children? Were you the favourite or the black sheep of the family? If you are a parent do you have favourites? Do you tell them they are the favourite?

I know the answer to this for me; i grew up being the black sheep of the family for various emotional, intellectual and perhaps physical reasons. I felt that I did not get the equal kind of attention that my other siblings did from our mom. I am not airing dirty linen here but making a point. I have since my twenties been very articulate about it with my mom and she has since (over the last 5 years) been very conscious about the way she treats each and every one of us. But all the same I have very vivid memories about the neglect I felt I was subjected to as a child in comparison to my siblings, and my mom, God Bless her, have come out and admitted to some of these things and i love her even more for it.

Yet if we ask ourselves can we honestly say we don't have favourites among the people in our lives? Between aunties or uncles - surely there is a favourite. Likewise between grandparents, between our teachers, between friends, between cousins, between nieces and nephews etc etc – each group of people presents us with possibilities in which we identify some as have more ‘significant’ in our life that others. We like and perhaps even love them all but there are a few who will stand out in our mind as our favourite uncle or aunt or grandparent etc. Equally as a teacher i do have students in each class who i think well of not because i think they are good but because they exhibit a character that makes them different from the others, and they endear me to them.

So i suppose I do understand my past in this way: i was not as articulate as my sister or as bright as my sister and brother or as beautiful as my sister or as outgoing as my sister; in a nutshell, unfortunately for my parents i was not what one would consider a child that shone from day one of life. I was a late bloomer and with others in the family to focus on and with so much commitments and responsibilities, I suppose it is understandable that one child is 'lost' in the frame of family life. I was fed, I was schooled, I was given the necessities of life but I felt devoid of recognition. I was not recognised for anything specific largely because I did not have any specific qualities to be recognised for; I was a below mediocre, below average in almost everything. Yet that ‘burden’ is something of my past that I have been attempting to accept and move on from in different ways - in my own person, in all my students and in my daughter – to recognise the qualities in myself and others which I feel makes I and them ‘special’ and the ‘favourite’ in my own eyes. I guess I want to live on the premise that I don’t need recognition from someone before I feel significant (easier said than done I know!).

I accept that I am not my mom's favourite and I accept that I cannot change that, but that does not mean I cannot have a healthy relationship with my mom today. The past does not define our sense of relationship, our inability to accept the shortcomings of the past will constrain our current state of care for each other. So i will not be the one she thinks off the most, so what? So i might not be the one she thinks well off when she recalls her children's childhood. so what? At my recent convocation, as i was putting on my robe and walking to the hall, she said this : the one who would cry when i ask her to do her reading or her school work is now a doctor; we both had an emotional moment! Must be wonderful for her to put that ghost to rest, that the one child who she thought might have difficulty amounting to anything in life due to my 'slowness @ lembab @ mangkuk (Penangite might know this word)' is now a significant member of academia. Once she and i are able to move beyond our rememberance of the past we can be more open to each other -- I find comfort in that knowledge.

House

I was listening to my usual breakfast show as i was driving to office last week, and the topic that was being discussed was this: If you could be in a tv show that best describes you or your personality, which would it be and why?

I use to play these types of psychological games at college with questions such as identify three animals that you like most and why; answering the question somehow gives one a perspective of the self that one would not be aware of.
So, now older and a litte wiser I embark upon answering the question which tv program would i like to be in? Well the fact is i dont get to watch much tv thanks in part to Ra'isah and her playhouse disney, and also because honesty i just am not into tv series as i hate being tied to any non-human such as a tv show that i would end up wanting to keep track of week after week irrespective of my other commitments -- been there, done that.

All the same, i do have a favourite character on TV that i somehow am hooked on, Gregory House (Hisham gets the series for me on line so technically i am watching it on tv :)). Perhaps its his bluer than blue eyes or tall lanky stature, or that choy smile he pulls when something unexpected crosses his path, or that quip tongue of his that always has something or other to say about something or other; i don't know exactly but i will say this, i love that he is so good at what he does that it does not matter what people think of him or the way he carries himself. He does not need to justify himself to the world and yet has an important function in it. I don't see myself in the character in anyway but i do have a strong need to want that sense of purpose in life - being so good at what you do that it appears as if you are almost born to do just that. My search continues.

Doa to put into practise

I got this list of doa from a dear friend of mine today along with a raya wish and i thought it best to share it with everyone here. Hope it be of benefit to all visitors of this blog. Take care and may we be guided always. -- waterfall

Bismillahirrahmanirrahiim (In the name of Allah the most merciful and the most benevolent)

1. Allah is He, than Whom there is no other god;- the Sovereign, the Holy One, the Source of Peace (and Perfection), the Guardian of Faith, the Preserver of Safety, the Exalted in Might, the Irresistible, the Supreme: Glory to Allah. (High is He) above.

2. Truly, my prayer and my service of sacrifice, my life and my death, are (all) for Allah, the Cherisher of the Worlds:

3. Our Lord! Truly Thou dost know what we conceal and what we reveal: for nothing whatever is hidden from Allah, whether on earth or in heaven.
4. Who created me, and it is He Who guides me;
5. Who gives me food and drink
6. And when I am ill, it is He Who cures me;
7. Who will cause me to die, and then to life (again);
8. And who, I hope, will forgive me my faults on the day of Judgment.

9. Our Lord!" (they say), "Let not our hearts deviate now after Thou hast guided us, but grant us mercy from Thine own Presence; for Thou art the Grantor of bounties without measure.

10. Our Lord! bestow on us Mercy from Thyself, and dispose of our affair for us in the right way!"

11. Our Lord! we have indeed believed: forgive us, then, our sins, and save us from the agony of the Fire;

12. Glory to our Lord! Verily we have been doing wrong!

13. My Lord! Grant Thou forgiveness and mercy for Thou art the Best of those who show mercy!

14. My Lord! Advance me in knowledge.

15. My Lord! Bestow wisdom on me, and join me with the righteous;

16. My Lord! Truly am I in (desperate) need of any good that Thou dost send me!
17. Ease my task for me;
18. And remove the impediment from my speech,
19. So they may understand what I say:

20. My Lord! I do seek refuge with Thee, lest I ask Thee for that of which I have no knowledge. And unless thou forgive me and have Mercy on me, I should indeed be lost!

21. My Lord! I seek refuge with Thee from the suggestions of the Evil Ones.
22. And I seek refuge with Thee O my Lord! lest they should come near me.

23. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth,- Lord and Cherisher of all the Worlds

24. God bless our Master Muhammad (pbuh) who opened what had been closed, and who is the Seal of what had gone before, he who makes the Truth Victorious by the Truth, the guide to thy straight path, and bless his household as is the due of his immense position and grandeur.

25. Allah, bestow Your Choicest Blessings upon our Master Muhammad Peace be Upon Him and upon his extended family and his progeny according to the number of all things known to You. I seek the forgiveness of the One but for whom there is no God, The Truly and Perfectly Alive and The Self Sustained and I turn to Him with repentance. O The Truly and Perfectly Alive O The Self Sustained

Being blessed - my silver lining

You know you are blessed when family, friends, colleagues and students keep you in their thoughts in your hours of need. Since the news of my miscarriage got out, I have had nothing but encouragement and support, kind and thoughtful words, words of wisdom and most of all gestures of love from so many individuals. A colleague of mine said to me today, she's disappointed on hearing the news because she thought she would soon be an aunt to my baby; I love that a total stranger, who works with me and has only gotten to know me these last few months since working with me on a project, has taken me to her heart enough to think of me in this manner. I also love that students to whom i was a total stranger 10 weeks ago, hold me in their minds and hearts and take the trouble to leave me messages of hope and recovery. I love that a former student who is now a dear friend would take the trouble to get me the right herbs to eat and drink these 30 days in order for my body to recover what it had lost. I love that despite my lost and my sadness, I feel and can see the blessings around me. We should all be so blessed. God is great!

Emotional compass

When i had my miscarriage on Friday the 29th of August 2008 after 9 weeks carrying a fetus in my womb, i tried to be stoic about it and told myself that it's what God had intended for us. But when i saw Hisham break down in front of me i knew things were as bad as i felt. All the same, my sister is right when she said to me that evening - we are measured not by the number of children we have, but by how well we raise those that are in our care. That's the priority. Having said that, i will acknowledge this much; my husband in part is my emotional compass. When things get bad, as its sometimes known to happen in life, and i feel like having one of my blow ups or melt downs, i look to him for a reality check. And this latest episode in our life is bad but we'll get through it and god willing try again, and succeed.

Recognising one's self worth

Watching Carrie Underwood being interviewed by Oprah, I had a light bulb moment.

Carrie Underwood carries herself with that grace and softness that’s endearing. She holds herself in and not let what’s happening around her affect what goes on inside. She’s almost an observer of life, albeit an active member herself.

When Oprah ends the interview with a string of accolade, Carrie merely acknowledges the former with a smile and a thank you. It’s almost as if the praises are already a known fact to her. She does not appear to need others to tell her that she is this or that, because in her mind she already recognises her self worth.

My “aha” moment is this: recognise your self worth – are you a good teacher, are you a good mother, do you strive to do good in life, do you appreciate what God has given you, do you recognise the abundance that is you life? Acknowledge these things to the self and recognise them for what they are – precious gifts. And live in the moment and leave it at that. Waiting for others to recognise and acknowledge the value of me will be akin to wasting the life that is before me.

w.

Silence

The value of silence is overrated:
it tells nothing
yet
proposes everything
based solely on
the imagination
and expectation
of the other;
so
when lost for words
keep sister silence
your companion
and let others
imagine and believe.

So who is this guy? A Mother's Commitment

So, who is this guy
You’ve found for her?
He know anything about her?
What she look like?
How much she make?
How hot tempered she is?
How stubborn she is?
He care?

So who is this fellow
You’ve asked her to meet?
Who think he can take up
The responsibility
Of a wife
And later
A family,
Just maybe!

So, who is this joker
You want her to see?
Who she later must
attend to
Hand and foot
Day and night
For the rest of her living years!
Ah! So this is he
Who I doubt know how to make
A decent cup of tea
And household chores
Never in his vocabulary
And she must say yes to
And let things be!

For us

it is the invisible touch
of the distant souls
that understands not
the consequence,
yet comprehends
the innate intentions,
that bind us one
in this sacred act
of womanhood.

Human in being

We are made for the Heavens
not necessarily fitted for Earth.
We forget where we came from
we loose sight of our goals
we disregard our natural instincts
we turn deaf to our inner voices
we loose touch of reality.
We become human in our being.

Still waiting

She enters the room
looking lovely and lost.
The dress she wore
made her glow in the dim light.
She looks around
and finds no friendly faces.
She picks up a drink
and walks to a corner.
The music plays on
the night grows old
as she watches the couples dance
to one tune
then another.

She gets a nod
from across the room -
its time to go.
As she stands to leave
he walks through the door;

The old

the biscuit in the bottle
is now soft.
the crunchiness
is lost
in the stale air.
it no longer holds
any value
to the man
who bought it
sometime back.

he picks it up
and throws it to the dogs.
they swallow it whole
without thinking twice.

Old faces

see the faces
that bear no sorrow

watch the eyes
that memory's borrowed

what's left
of us tomorrow

but these old,
faded photos.

Father (first published in NST)

i went to my father
and told him,
'i would like to be married.'

first he went quiet
and that got me worried.
oh dear, thought i
perhaps he thinks me
too young
or that i should complete
my education
or that my sister has to
marry first
or that we could not
afford a marriage

almost a full minute later
with all seriousness
he uttered
'would
next
thursday suit you?'

(in memory of those who have helped me laugh back at life.)

Red Flowers green leaves

you've coloured it green!

green flowers and
green leaves -
how can that be?

green flowers on a
white plane -
how is that possible?
now its black -
no, no, that's not the way!
can you not see?
that not the way
it should be.
there are colours for flowers
and different ones
for the leaves;
you can't go changing them
in the name of creativity.
you have to respect us
who have to view them.
imagination is
god's gift to a child
for developing maturity;
you and i cannot retain
such imprudence,
not if you expect us
to live with it -
no sir, keep them red
as they were meant to be!

Words

Words
that capture
the moment
that paints
the image
that bears
the memory
that holds
the thought
that broke
the barrier
that held
the Man

Religion and Spirituality: Which to Choose?

What is religion and what is spirituality? Does one choose one over the other? The way i define the two is as such: Religion is a structured sense of living based on the fundamentals of a faith that has a name, a source book and a way of worship, and religion is also the belief in the Creator who reveals Its presence to us through our worship of It in our daily live. (Worship of the Creator connotates living a life in accordance to the teachings of the faith, and not simply bowing down a million times a day to an image of the Creator) Spirituality, on the other hand, is about living the life in a state of awareness of the Creator’s presence, it focus in on the presence of our spirit, and not just our form. Is there any connection between religion and spirituality?
The two concepts, for me is two sides of a single coin. I cannot name the 'coin' but i do know that the 'coin' is my currency to good and satisfactory living. I need both the fundamentals of the faith and the ability to be aware of my spirit in the presence of the Creator to have a good and satisfactory life.

Dealing with Anxiety

I sit here unable to move beyond my immediate preoccupation and let time pass me by. I am in a predicament. I know what needs to be done but I also know that it is beyond my control. I have been waiting for my PhD viva for the last 11 months. I have, in my mind, done all that is within my ability. So here I am stilling at my table consumed by my anxiety and unable to think and do anything else. My mind races through a check list of things that can be done and i am facing a brick wall. If only my supervisors could do this. If only the department could do that. If only the assistant registrar could do this. If only everyone involved could get their act together and ... How has my concerns been addressed by this mental preoccupation? It hasn’t. Has my anxiety been eliminated? No. Have I achieved anything by being preoccupied mentally of the issue? No.

How then can I address this issue? I can’t and I shan’t.

Instead I go and do something else. I look at something beautiful. In my case, that’s easy. My daughter is a beautiful child; at least in my eyes she is beautiful. Watching her sleep, in such peace, I forget my past and my future and immerse myself in my present. I realise what I have going in my life. I realise that once upon a time, I was alone and had no one to care for. I didn’t experience love from another human, the kind that I could appreciate. Now, 38 years old, I am a mother of this precious being. Her hugs and kisses sometimes appear at moments when I least need it, like when I am trying to finish a lecture or a paper. But now, at this very moment, I stop to say prayer of thanks to the Almighty. My daughter’s presence while asleep reminds me the presence of my soul. I learn to recollect my own concerns and put them in perspective. I learn to accept that this is what the Almighty has planned for me at this very moment of my life. I am to accept with patience and with faith – two of the hardest things to do in life when one is busy chasing after milestones. But learn I must and learn I will if I am to go beyond the pain and discomfort of my own anxiety.

Authentic self and the other

It's taken me well over three decades to reach a point in my life in which I can create my own self representation in a public arena and not be overly concerned with the kind of reception I might get. I have had to learn that who we are and how others view us might be two sides of the same coin or might just be two different coins altogether.

We live in a society in which categories are the expected boundaries out of which social identities are constructed. What that means is we have a tendency to read each other's sense of self through the categorization that we form of them based on our sense perception of them. Without these categories we are not able to form interpersonal ties with our fellow human being. In other words, I forge relationships with others based on the opinions I form of them, and the opinion I form of a person will depend largely on my sense perception of him/her based on the categories that I consider relevant. These categories can vary from politics and cultural issues to more mundane ideas such as choice of music and social circles. In many ways, we evaluate others based on our standards and we then categorize them according to their ability to live up to that standard.

And yet, I also realize that this sense perception of that particular person is a representation of his/her sense of self as shown to me at one space of time. I cannot assume that my sense perception of this person at the time we met and spoke informs me of who he/she truly is. In other words, I must admit that I have not in any way understood the person’s “authentic self”, to quote Gary Zukav. That being the case I am mindful that others too might just be constructing a sense perception of me based on their value judgments. Whether or not I live up to that value judgment is not within my control for they will have read these value judgments into my actions and decide that I am person with X personality, Y attitude and Z issues. And based on these X, Y and Z character analysis, they will then decide whether I have met their criterion of a person they would like to be seen with and keep company with.

Hence, at the end of the day, there is only so much one can do to ensure that one is, as Arthur Miller writes, “well liked”. I would like to think that as the decades unfold my ability to be sensitive to my own inner voice will outshine my need to be sensitive to other people’s sense perception of me.