I sit here unable to move beyond my immediate preoccupation and let time pass me by. I am in a predicament. I know what needs to be done but I also know that it is beyond my control. I have been waiting for my PhD viva for the last 11 months. I have, in my mind, done all that is within my ability. So here I am stilling at my table consumed by my anxiety and unable to think and do anything else. My mind races through a check list of things that can be done and i am facing a brick wall. If only my supervisors could do this. If only the department could do that. If only the assistant registrar could do this. If only everyone involved could get their act together and ... How has my concerns been addressed by this mental preoccupation? It hasn’t. Has my anxiety been eliminated? No. Have I achieved anything by being preoccupied mentally of the issue? No.
How then can I address this issue? I can’t and I shan’t.
Instead I go and do something else. I look at something beautiful. In my case, that’s easy. My daughter is a beautiful child; at least in my eyes she is beautiful. Watching her sleep, in such peace, I forget my past and my future and immerse myself in my present. I realise what I have going in my life. I realise that once upon a time, I was alone and had no one to care for. I didn’t experience love from another human, the kind that I could appreciate. Now, 38 years old, I am a mother of this precious being. Her hugs and kisses sometimes appear at moments when I least need it, like when I am trying to finish a lecture or a paper. But now, at this very moment, I stop to say prayer of thanks to the Almighty. My daughter’s presence while asleep reminds me the presence of my soul. I learn to recollect my own concerns and put them in perspective. I learn to accept that this is what the Almighty has planned for me at this very moment of my life. I am to accept with patience and with faith – two of the hardest things to do in life when one is busy chasing after milestones. But learn I must and learn I will if I am to go beyond the pain and discomfort of my own anxiety.
1 comment:
This is what happens when you get too educated! :-)
Look at me, no post SPM papers and yet i created this www.adempiere.org worldwide.
(Just some dawn musings here to scare someone out of her wits outside my immediate vicinity n Sg Buluh Kuang jungle here)
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